2023 Was The Year I Realized That Being Proud Of Myself Feels Uncomfortable
Well, that’s awkward.
Published in Modern Women February 2024
As someone who often advocates for women to be loud and proud about their accomplishments, you’d think I’d be an expert at feeling good about myself. Well, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
If you’ve followed me for a while, you’ve likely seen proof that I write updates and reflections about my achievements with every passing year. It feels natural to do so when my birthday comes around in January — the month of resolutions and goal setting.
I just turned 29. Does that mean I’m officially in my late twenties?
After New Year's Eve fireworks blasted us off into 2024, I sat down to re-read a few of these past highlights and found myself...disappointed. For one thing, I was overcome with a sense of cringe. Did I have to brag so much?
Upon reading, a peculiar realization hit me. Despite all this bragging, I wasn’t feeling any sense of satisfaction. Not then, and likely not even when I initially drafted the piece.
If these personal essays were not motivated by genuine pride, then what?
I had to admit to myself that I’ve been treating these accomplishments of mine as accessories. I’m not sure if they were ever solely for my reflection as much as they were to serve as evidence. Documentation. “I’m doing things!”
Writing these articles was a way for me to “fit in.” I aimed to show that I can hustle like the best of them — even though that’s never been who I am or why I write.
I’m sure there were moments throughout my drafting process when I felt a glimmer of self-esteem rising, but all I remember is finally pressing publish as my inner voice shrilled, “And?! What’s next?! ”
My self-content was contingent on the haunting of production metrics embedded in my psyche from the ghost of micromanagers' past and girlboss’ present. Even as I type this, I’m a bit distracted by the number of articles I posted on Medium in 2023.
Nineteen. And even though that’s much more than I thought I wrote, it still wasn’t enough for me to give myself a measly pat on the back.
Throughout my childhood, and even most recently upon ADHD diagnosis, I’ve felt perpetual guilt for my disabilities. This guilt only heightened after I experienced several compounded traumas within the last decade.
Everything feels impossible when you’re suffering executive dysfunction from PTSD. I suspect that through each of these prompts, I’ve been trying to prove to the world (and myself) that I can do.
Pride is not something that should be feigned for potential readers just so I can gain the credibility that my inner child has been chasing.
It all makes sense now. Accepting compliments has always been painfully awkward for me. I tend to tilt my head down or turn away from anyone who’s giving me kudos. After bashfully giggling out some attempt at gratitude for the kind words, I change the subject as if I’ve got something to hide.
As someone whose focus is to empower others by promoting self-belief, I must admit, I feel a bit fraudulent.
To normalize joy I need to recognize my feats and acknowledge how wonderful they are. Not just the numbers, statistics, or things that I think society would find interesting, but all things I deserve credit for.
It’s time to brag. This won’t be my typical year-end reflection. I’m going to brag about everything post-trauma. The entirety of my healing journey thus far. They told me it’s never going to be linear, and I guess I didn’t take them seriously — until I witnessed for myself.
So, this one goes out to those of you who are timid to accept compliments. This one goes out to me.
From here on out, when I brag, I’m actually going to mean it.
Four short years ago, I decided to move from my hometown in New Hampshire to Northern Colorado. This was partially because I was laid off during the pandemic, but mostly because I needed to be closer to my sister while we endured the traumatic process of being sued by someone from our not-so-distant past.
During this mess, I spent months searching for lawyers who were willing to help two women with a combined maximum budget of $0. I worked tirelessly to build my case — scouring through the deepest depths of my darkest memories just to collect every ounce of evidence I had. Additionally, I armed myself with otherwise useless knowledge about the inner workings of the obnoxious civil system.
Although I never had my day in court to present everything I collected, my sister and I closed that chapter of our lives and in doing so, prevented a few other vulnerable parties from having to get involved. We had limited control over the result, and every action taken was for survival, but I count that as an accomplishment I’ll certainly never forget.
While this was going on, I graduated from the OVC Victim Advocacy Training classes to further my expertise and implement my knowledge toward assisting victims of sexual assault. This was when I realized my greater purpose. I could combine my knowledge with my creativity.
Art had been there to shape, soothe, and uplift me throughout my life. It was my turn to add to the well that wounded people so often draw from.
On March 20th, 2021 I published my first formal article, Identifying a Gaslighter, on the WordPress Blog that I designed and created, Eternal Metamorphosis. This was the first time I put my real name on a piece of work and published it on a website that wasn’t Facebook.
A few months later, I got up the gumption to apply to be a writer for a (dearly missed) publication on Medium called Fearless She Wrote. This was an enormous step for me, as I was rather hesitant to ask for feedback or seek acceptance for my writing. I didn’t think I was anywhere near “good enough.”
On May 28, 2021, they published my first editorial piece. I’ll admit it, that little slice of validation felt remarkable.
Since then my writing has been featured in 11 different Medium Publications. I have published over 100 articles — a majority of them being longform, but some poetry as well.
At the end of 2021, I submitted my resume to a non-profit organization for victims of sexual violence called Say It Loud. I was hired as a blogger and have since formed a handful of beautiful connections within this community. Most recently, I was promoted to Head Blogger for the team.
Twenty-twenty-three was a year where I threw countless ideas at the wall — and few of them stuck. While my writing wasn’t as consistent, I developed my personal Instagram and created a short-lived poetry Instagram. Since then I have written, performed, and edited 61 Instagram reels which have amounted to over 47K views in total.
Exploring further — relatively late to the game — I ultimately created a TikTok account. On this app, I have since written, performed, and edited 114 videos, totaling over 550K views.
I was interviewed for visual and audio media three times that year. First was the podcast, Cheating: When Love Lies with Jillian Hamilton, where we discussed my article How Being Both The Ghoster and The Ghost-ee Saved My Life.
I also joined my colleague, Meredith Graham, on her Podcast, Honest Hour, to talk about dating with anxious attachment. Finally, at the end of 2023, I reunited with an old high school friend, Carissa Deshaies, and we discussed healing, mental health, and pride on her new podcast, Faith Over Fear.
Despite how bustling the past few years had felt, I was technically unemployed. Freelance writing and content creation were not paying the bills, and it took me a while after the lawsuit (and relocation) to land a “real job.” As much as this low-maintenance remote position distracts from my true passions, it is allowing me to slowly pay off my debts and save up for medical treatment.
My output has slowed dramatically as work takes up a lot of my time and energy, however, I was able to complete the first draft of my poetry anthology. And during National Novel Writing Month 2023, I began drafting another manuscript.
I have traveled to 8 different states in the U.S. in the last four years. I’ve taken up painting. I have decorated and maintained a beautiful apartment with my partner. I have drastically improved my cooking skills and now home-make almost all of my meals.
I eat fruits and vegetables every day. I am active at least three times a week (well…most weeks.)
I write and read something every day. I’m addicted to curiosity and exploration and constantly feeding my mind. I’ve stopped blaming myself for things beyond my control. I’ve gotten much more comfortable with accepting the fact that trying my best is all I can do.
Success is a word that can be defined in so many different ways, and finally, I’ve decided that my journey fits the criteria.
I will admit to feeling a tad uneasy as I write these out, re-read them, and imagine viewers perceiving my astronomical brag session. But the more I read them, the more they excite me. The visualization of how far I’ve come in the last few years serves as a necessary reminder that motivates me to keep going.
I hope that my list will motivate others too, or at least make them smile as they reflect on all the things they’ve kept up with over the years despite whatever is going on in their lives. We all have our obstacles. Don’t get me started on the current state of society at large. I’ll have to write another essay on that— or several.
Chances are, considering everything, you’re probably killing it!
These successes don’t reflect my most ambitious goals yet, but I’m still technically in my twenties. There’s so much yet to discover. Who is future-me and how much more does she have to be proud of? This list can only be added to.
But if I’ve learned anything through this essay, it's that I need to recognize that my future-flourishing flower petals are vibrant and gorgeous right now.
I often preach anti-hustle culture propaganda to my readers, yet, when it comes down to it, I’ve been scrutinizing myself based on the very societal standards I know to be ableist and unfair.
My achievements aren’t going to solve any of my internal problems, especially if I’m not celebrating them before getting back to the grind. What good is any of this if I am neglecting myself in the process?
2024 will be a year I focus on finding serenity, balance, and health. I said the same thing last year and did not live up to it. These things are not meant to be added luxuries for after I work “enough” to deserve them. I’m sure I will not be able to reach my full potential as a writer until I prioritize these elements.
So here’s to the new year — the year I commit to creating a life worth living every single day. Going forward, I’ll strive to take pauses strictly to sit in this odd feeling of pride until it becomes a natural, habitual occurrence.
Won’t you try it with me? Readers, please make a list for yourself of all the beautiful ways you’ve grown in the last few years. Not just the production metrics, although you may very well be proud of those too. Add anything that took effort and concentration.
Maybe you got around to organizing your closet. Maybe you finished your associate's degree. Maybe you climbed a mountain. Maybe you finally scheduled that necessary doctor’s appointment. Maybe you told someone you love them.
Brag about it to an audience of 1. Yourself. Read it and re-read it. Post it on your wall or your mirror. Look at it every day. Maybe even publish it on Medium after! Spread the pride.
Buy some gel pens and markers. Add to the list as time passes. Pile them on top of one another and allow yourself to watch them rise as you unabashedly bask in their glory.
You are likely achieving so much more than you give credit for.
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