Age Gap Relationships Are Fine— Except When They’re Not
We need to err on the side of caution when discussing this common phenomenon.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
What is it about age-gap relationships that make us so uncomfortable? Many say they’re predatory. Others say they are transactional and superficial. Some say they are a product of the patriarchy.
Me? I think there’s both truth and myth to each criticism.
Age-gap relationships are represented in the tabloids by toxic older men in power or — although, much less common — the seductive cougars preying on innocent young people. Whether these narratives are accurate or not, they are usually the first tropes that come to mind.
The topic is complicated because there are various types of existing unique relationships. When it comes down to it, stakes are high for any community which is why it’s always fiercely debated. But these debates usually result in very black-or-white thinking. The consensus is that the larger the gap, the more perilous the relationship.
Similarly aged partners = good. Age gap partners = bad.
There’s just no way it’s that simple, and I’d like to outline the nuances. This is a topic that deserves to be analyzed at length because far-reaching harm can be done if we lack awareness.
Let me first state my bias. I have been in an age-gap relationship for four years now. I’m twenty-nine and my boyfriend just turned forty. With an eleven-year gap, we are in completely different seasons of our lives.
That being said, often people have to remind me that I’m in an age-gap relationship because it’s not always apparent to me. Although it’s far from the front of my mind, it could be the first thing people think about when I discuss my love life.
This is a little irritating, but I completely understand why. There are so many examples of age-gap relationships where an imbalanced power dynamic is in play, which makes for a toxic or even abusive situation. Statistically, it makes sense for people to be concerned.
There is no abuse of power between the two of us, but many might presume that the gap is evidence of such. Our age difference had nothing to do with our initial attraction. We met through friends and barely knew much about each other before sparks began to fly.
Neither of us had a sketchy track record of dating significantly younger or older partners. We did not fall head over heels in love-bomb and isolate from the rest of the world. We developed a genuine friendship for months before we decided to date.
I hate to generalize, but I fear that a sizeable amount of age-gap relationships may not have played out the same way ours did. I say this because I had to learn a disturbing truth early in life.
Abuse of power is happening everywhere.
At almost every single company I’ve worked for, a manager was sleeping with at least one employee (and in many instances, several of them). Multiple teachers at my high school were sleeping with or romantically pursuing students. I grew up surrounded by stories of teacher-student scandals from almost every single one of the public universities in New England.
Both my sister and my boyfriend are college professors connected to a network of hundreds of others. I get the scoop. And it always confirms the same truths I’ve been learning my entire life.
I struggle with these narratives because I hate to be cynical of anyone’s relationship, but how can I not be?
I’ve realized that the problem with age-gap relationships has less to do with age and more to do with the misconduct of authority — besides the ones that involve minors, of course. It goes without saying that those are always egregious.
What is a power imbalance?
One of the core principles of partnership is equity, which can be defined as the idea that each partner contributes something essential and has an equal voice in the relationship.
A power imbalance occurs when one partner can dominate the decision-making or assert power in ways that are not in the best interest of both partners. In most cases, it obliterates the possibility of equity in a relationship.
One of the most concerning examples is when a superior pursues a subordinate in a professional setting. This could apply to CEOs, supervisors, managers, and mentors, as well as doctors, therapists, nurses, teachers, celebrities, public figures, or any person in a position of authority over others. The superiors have the power to negatively impact their lovers’ career, education, finances, health, and/or reputations should they choose to, and this possibility does not go both ways — which is inequity.
What I find to be the most problematic aspect of these dynamics is that consent cannot truly be voluntary even if both parties are over the age of 18. A subordinate could very well have made a deliberate decision to date their boss, or they could be agreeing to it because they are afraid of being retaliated against if they reject advances.
From that point on in the relationship, any slight conflict between the two of them could result in negative implications for the partner with less power.
We are constantly seeing these types of relationships in movies, television shows, and fictional novels. These taboo tropes have become normalized to the point where viewers might even forget that they are not realistic. Creators of fictional media are not going to convey the grueling consequences of such because that would ruin the passion between two characters.
In real life, these relationships are hardly as amorous as we idealize them to be. The dynamic can stir up a lot of resentment and drawbacks that will likely be detrimental to one or both partners.
All of these pursuits, true love or not, are unethical and tend to reveal a lot about a superior’s character as an employee and human being. People who mix business with pleasure are a liability to any professional environment and a possible danger to the community.
However, I’m not here to denounce every single power-imbalanced relationship. Abuse of power isn’t always exploited, but the dynamic remains immoral because the potential threat of it could be looming over the subordinate for the remainder of their career.
What about when these relationships don’t involve a professional power differential?
There are other types of imbalances. An example would be if the breadwinner of the relationship felt entitled to make all decisions about how the money is spent, rather than considering their partner’s opinion or needs.
It is common for older partners to be more established in their careers and make more money, so this power struggle can easily be exploited in age-gap relationships to the point where the less secure partner feels unable to leave regardless of whether they want to or not. How can such a relationship be consensual if the choice does not exist?
It’s been discussed that an imbalance exists between young adults under the age of 25 and older adults well over the age of 25. This is why many criticize the dating habits of powerful white men like Leonardo DiCaprio, who seem to only date women if they are under this very specific age.
The apprehension stems from the fact that our brains do not fully develop until then. I am curious about exploring this idea through more research and examination. In my anecdotal experience, I’ve found that older people who make a habit of pursuing romantic relationships with those under the age of 25 are emotionally immature — to say the least.
Most of these people I’ve encountered are attracted to the inexperience and agreeability of young adults, which is weird at best and predatory at worst. Some of them have been the most menacing and vile ingrates I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing. I don’t know Leo personally and can’t decide whether he is manipulating these women, but his habits certainly wave some red flags.
It’s worth mentioning that in discussions about abusive relationships, many people are still of the belief that mutual abuse exists. However, it is because of the power imbalances within these relationships that it cannot. Abusers meticulously structure their tactics — leveraging social perceptions of the victim — within the relationship to maintain all of the power and control.
A partner who lashes out at their abusive partner after being emotionally or physically pushed to their limit is not also an abuser. A child who retaliates against a violent parent is not also an abuser. These actions are made in defense, even if not in direct response to a physical altercation.
Age-gap partners are fairly common in Hollywood.
One controversial age gap within the public discourse has been regarding the now-married couple, Sam and Aaron Taylor-Johnson. The two have a gap of 23 years. The couple met when Aaron, then freshly 18, auditioned for the lead role in Sam’s directorial debut, Nowhere Boy. Not only is Aaron’s age a factor here, but the questionable power differential between the well-connected celebrity director and brand-new actor is worth taking into account.
Alternatively, actresses Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor have a 31-year age gap, yet are not believed to be problematic. They are rumored to have met when Sarah was 40 and Holland was 71. Sarah was already established as an accomplished actress by then. Both partners are well over the age of twenty-five and have decades of experience.
Where a 20-year-old paired up with a 30-year-old is questionable, it becomes grossly inexcusable when the younger partner is a minor. And it doesn’t become less inappropriate when someone counts down to the second for a teen to become technically legal. That could be considered grooming.
The infamous Wilmer Valderamma has dated not one but at least three minors that we know of: Mandy Moore at age 16, Lindsay Lohan at age 17, and Demi Lovato at 17 as well. Unfortunately, in Hollywood during the 2000s, this behavior didn’t sound any alarms. Instead, it was celebrated.
While we’ve socially progressed away from accepting perverts of his ilk, I still see a lot of skeevy man discourse in defense of him. In the eyes of those who want predatory behavior to be the norm, it’s all alleged and ‘technically’ legal.
Age matters when talking about consent because minors do not and cannot fully understand the nature of sexual activity or the gravity of the emotional risks. This is when I believe the issue is black and white.
Every relationship involves power struggles that will shift around over time.
There is no way for anyone to address all age combinations and map out a definitive list of rules. It’s far too nuanced. That’s why I’d rather direct your attention to these additional indicators that could be more revealing cause for concern.
Recognizing that age-gap relationships are okay in theory doesn’t mean that we should let down our guards. I believe vetting is necessary to look out for the people in our communities.
If you are genuinely curious about the dangers of power differentials, which is hopefully your takeaway, please commit to learning more about them. Research comprehensively, and do not allow any random Twitter thread or TikTok alone to dictate your views on the topic. Listen to survivors and read the experts.
Dare to begin these challenging conversations with people in your circle, and go into them with the intention to ensure safety. This is more than just salacious gossip. Victims of these relationships have been scarred for life and/or murdered. Please treat the topic seriously.
If you are or have ever been in a relationship with an imbalanced power dynamic and feel completely unharmed by your experience, my intention is not to rain on your parade. I’m happy for you, as long as you’re safe and healthy.
Age-gap relationships are about much more than age. The problem is the power shift that comes with it. Dangerous people use our lack of knowledge to slip through the cracks and victimize innocents. The solution is to arm ourselves with knowledge about professional ethics and predatory behavior patterns. It may not be the easy answer, but it’s far safer.
For more of my thoughts on this topic, I’ve written extensively about inappropriate relationships with minors, love-bombing, gaslighting, and other red flags to look out for. I’ve also written about how you can be of assistance if you suspect your friend/ family member/co-worker/neighbor is in an abusive relationship or at risk of getting into one.
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