The Bystander’s Role: How To Take Action Against Public Abuse
Guidance for those who want to intervene but aren’t sure how.
Over a year ago, I published an article, What Should You Do When You Witness Abuse Happening In Public? It stirred ample discussion in several comment sections, which is exactly what I was aiming for. The more we examine this pervasive issue together, the more seriously we take it. The more seriously we take it, the more plainly we see it. The more plainly we see it, the more opportunities we have to discontinue and prevent harm.
The people responded with ideas, personal anecdotes, and commentary. Here on Medium, we are online readers from all over the world, and yet, we are a community. To an extent, the internet allows us to help people on different continents, and that's powerful. I see this happen all the time, and I want to encourage more of it.
However, one commenter was a bit critical of my first approach.
So “bystander intervention” is one term for the process of a person not directly involved in the abusive situation getting involved.
It’s likely dv organizations offer research and tips on this, and a full array of options, so with a topic this serious, it is probably wise to consider those first rather than the public at large’s opinion.
A fair point. Originally, I opened up the discussion to see what my readers believe about abuse.
In reality, it is not only advocates or DV experts who encounter these relationships in public. Regular everyday people will be left to deal with them as they pop up. Although I often provide informational resources in my work, I’m aware that few casual readers will sign up for victim advocacy courses.
Life is busy and I now understand that most don’t want to reckon with how necessary this information is. It’s my job to plant the urgency. Learning what my readers think, even when they are misguided, helps me to be a more effective communicator and a better writer on the topic.
This comment demonstrates exactly why discourse like this can be useful. It caused me to reflect on my responsibility as someone who intends to advocate for survivors. Surveying readers’ opinions is a great start, but I missed out on providing input from true experts.
Since then, I have taken bystander intervention training and I’d like to show you what I’ve learned.
Let’s start with some fundamentals. There are the 5 Ds to remember when it comes to bystander intervention.
Directly address the behavior
Create a distraction
Delegate intervention to another community member with experience, power, or resources.
Delay intervention if it is too dangerous to intervene.
Document the incident — personally, communally, or with the proper authorities.
What should you do when you witness abuse happening in public?
I was satisfied to find that, within my comment section, many had the right idea based on the Bystander Intervention protocol.
Just ask “ma’am, are you OK?” Ask this of either the victim or the abusive parent.
That lets the abuser know they are being watched and the victim know that SOMEONE cares enough to speak up.
This reader provided a simple yet effective example of directly addressing the situation. It’s not too confrontational, yet it sends a clear message to both parties.
From a Detective’s point of view your best action is call the police. Domestic abuse is a serious situation which can go bad in a blink of an eye. You can be seriously hurt trying to help just watch what’s happening, get good description of the abuser (clothing, shoes).
This detective explains that in many cases, it may be necessary for us to document key details and then delegate intervention to the police. As discussed in my first article, calling the authorities should be done with discretion in case of immediate physical danger.
But most of the time, the police are limited in how they can help victims outside of stopping public violence. Since they can not realistically remove a victim from their abusive relationship, when the cops leave the premises, the abuser may blame and punish the victim for all that occurred.
However, as someone who reported my abuser, even though the case went nowhere, I feel satisfied knowing that what happened to me is documented. It may be useful to a future victim’s case one day. It may not. But the predator’s name is in the system forever.
Maybe your call to the police with a description will lead to the uncovering of something larger than you could have imagined.
The next reader was gracious enough to share her own survival story.
I wouldn’t be here right now if someone hadn’t had the audacity to call the police as my ex-fiancé tried to strangle me. I am forever grateful to this grandmother and her grandson, because we were in the middle of the woods, and it would’ve been a while before anyone found me.
This grandmother made the right decision to delegate intervention to the police instead of directly intervening and risking her and her grandson’s safety.
Here are a few suggestions from a retired teacher and trained foster parent.
If it’s an adult abusing a child, I will try to speak to the adult (gently) tell them who I am and what my responsibility is. I might try to defuse by saying something like, “Uh-oh, somebody’s upset,” to see if it might deflect the abuser and get them to talk to me, even if it’s in anger. If all else fails, then I make it obvious that I’m going to film them.
This reader attempts to distract the abuser to de-escalate the situation. They also mention they might document them with their phone, which will likely be helpful for the police and/or community awareness. The more eyes on the abuser, the better.
Sometimes, you may not witness the abusive behavior until it’s already happening. Other times, it’s unsafe to intervene right away. In these situations, it’s best to delay action. You can still support the victim(s) by checking in with them afterward.
Ask them how you can help and, if possible, offer resources to them. For your safety, it’s best not to provide anything personal, but you should pass on the contact information for advocates, shelters, and initiatives in your area.
I’m sure by now you are getting the hang of The Five Ds. Let’s talk about some nuance. Abuse is not a simple, cut-and-dry topic. These altercations often don’t neatly fit into one of the five categories, so we sometimes have to make difficult judgment calls.
The more we read about abuse, the more prepared we will be to take action in these precarious situations.
Abusers always lie, or deliberately twist the truth, so they can escape culpability. Even those of us who know what to look for and are a bit more discerning when it comes to abuse tactics, can still be fooled.
I try to reiterate this to my readers as often as possible: these manipulation tactics work on everyone. They are so effective that they are utilized by intelligence agencies and cult leaders alike. Abusers use social connections to further their narratives and many of us have unknowingly participated in these campaigns at least once in our lives.
(…)every time someone called an abusive ex out, it would come back on me in brutal ways behind closed doors. I was also put in a position where when I spoke out, the abuser made me out to be violent and crazy.
DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) is a tactic we see all the time in the media whenever a victim speaks out about crimes against them. PR firms know it’s one of the most effective strategies to sway public opinion because we’ve been falling for it for decades without fail. It’s devastating, but we must acknowledge that these patterns mirror how citizens respond to accusations within their own communities.
As bystanders, we must take it upon ourselves to fight against these biases in our daily lives.
Sometimes intervening will only make it worse for us, unless the interventionist intends to completely take them out of our lives. Since that won’t happen, we often would rather not face the repercussions of “causing a scene” when we get home.
Along with all we can learn about intervention, consider the fact that after you witness something like this, the victims have to go home with the abusers and may, unfortunately, pay for any bystander’s actions. This is the idea that ultimately led me to ask the titular question for my original article: is intervention more harmful or helpful for victims?
Unfortunately, there is a lack of research regarding the outcomes of bystander intervention in DV cases so it is impossible to guarantee its long-term success.
Does that mean we should dismiss it? No. It’s the best solution experts have at the moment. If these practices helped even just one victim — which they have — it’s proven to be a better alternative to staying ignorant and complacent.
While The Five Ds are a great way to remind us of what to do, there’s a lot more to contemplate. Context is key because every abusive relationship is unique. Bystanders must balance a mix of knowing what to expect while simultaneously expecting the unexpected. For a more in-depth exploration into this context, SLPC has tons of free information on Bystander Intervention.
Additionally, many people may find it challenging to curtail the urge to lash out at an abuser. I completely understand, however, it’s important to avoid speaking in an accusatory tone. You can confront the abuse directly while still maintaining respect and tact. Cross that line and you could become a target. Although your action is in defense of someone else, you must also prioritize your safety.
I’m not saying they don’t deserve a thorough smackdown for the pain they inflict, but the fact is, if you get into a physical fight with an abuser, you could be seriously injured, arrested, sued, and/or harassed beyond the initial incident. We are working to reduce harm, therefore, we need safe and healthy advocates.
Finally, keep in mind that these encounters can be triggering. Make sure you take steps to de-stress and care for yourself after you’ve made it home.
We all have a responsibility to try to reach a zero tolerance of abuse of any kind. This will never happen as long as perpetrators continue to avoid responsibility and people continue to turn a blind eye. As you mention, abusers can be anyone in our society. Equally, anyone in our society can become a victim, so education benefits everyone.
With everything I’ve gathered, one thing is clear: effective bystander intervention requires thorough homework. All schools, organizations, and workplaces would benefit from repetitive training and a commitment to fostering judgment-free environments focused on understanding the dynamics of abusive relationships.
In addition to educating people about abuse, we need to keep & strengthen our anti-abuse laws — and enforce them much more strongly. Especially child protection laws.
Read up on VAWA as well as state and federal laws about Domestic Violence and Victim’s Rights. We will be better advocates and bystanders if we are aware of the legislation (or lack thereof).
Look into Bystander Intervention trainings and initiatives. Specific techniques and strategies have helped me be prepared and makes the experience safer and less traumatizing for me (as a person with PTSD).
Until this training is mandatory and widespread, there are many programs and educational workshops available for free or at reasonable rates both locally and online. Victim advocacy initiatives near you will have information about related events on their websites.
A culture of silence is a culture of violence. The fact is that, statistically, abuse is happening right now in your state, county, and town whether you’ve seen it in public or not. This is why we must all be in the know.
Maybe this article made you think of someone close to you. Do not question your intuition. If so, I hope that my work, or the resources I’ve provided, give you the confidence to intervene.
I’d like to say it’s never too late to take action but remember that the term “survivor” is used for a reason. Many victims do not make it out alive. Treat these occurrences with urgency every time, because people’s lives depend on it.
All we have is each other, and we absolutely can make a difference. Take on this responsibility and be the damn change you wish to see.
For more of my thoughts on this topic, I’ve written extensively about the abuse of power imbalance, inappropriate relationships with minors, love-bombing, gaslighting, and other red flags to look out for. I’ve also written about how you can be of assistance if you suspect your friend/ family member/co-worker/neighbor is in an abusive relationship or at risk of getting into one.
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This is helpful. Thanks for the information