Thirty, Flirty, and Ready To Start Thriving
Nobody asked, but here are ten things I’ve been scribbling in my journals for the past ten years.
Not to sound cliche, but ever since I was a little girl, I looked forward to turning thirty. Being a powerless and socially awkward kid was a drag. I just wanted to grow up already! Once I saw the film 13 Going on 30 with Jennifer Garner, I was inspired by the desire for freedom and financial stability. My dream was, of course, to be a journalist, live in the city, and wear fancy pink clothes every day.
Last year, it occurred to me that thirty was coming up quicker than I ever thought possible. I began to question if I was actually as “flirty and thriving” as I imagined I’d be.
All this time, I assumed thirty would feel like a gigantic turning point in my life. I don’t know what I expected to change. It seems I walk through life constantly waiting for some grand sense of satisfaction to wash over me as if I’ll be completely healed from the events of my mid-twenties once it happens.
For the past year, in preparation for the big 3–0, I’ve been reminiscing and romanticizing my twenties quite a bit. These are the years I feel I’ve developed my true identity the most. While there was a lot of joy, laughter, and meaningful connection, it was overwrought with turmoil and pain. Once or twice, it’s crossed my mind that I wished I could re-do the entire decade.
Then, about a week before my birthday, I read a trending poem by TS Leonard titled Instructions for Building Your First Time Machine.
Don’t. The past is overcrowded with the future
closer than you think. You blink, that’s one
eon; a yawn, two.
(…)You will live again. Try reflecting
a mirror to another mirror — watch yourself
replicate endlessly. Try breaking. Paste those
shards onto a globe; now you’ve made a disco
ball — change!
(…) you remember wanting to forget. You didn’t.
Keep walking away from the wreckage.
The poet’s words were quite timely — pun intended. It’s now been about a month since I turned 30. I’m beginning to realize that although my twenties currently feel like my entire world, I may someday (hopefully) soon feel as if those years are nothing but a minuscule sliver of my personality, just like my teen years eventually did.
I am fully committed to walking away from this complicated decade and the several past selves created within it. But I would be remiss to keep my lessons learned locked up in the vault.
It’s true that our twenties are a pivotal stretch of time for everyone. Here’s what they taught me.
1. Rejection is nothing to be afraid of.
In fact, you should try to be excited about it. The more of it you get, the more progress you’re making and the more opportunities you’re discovering. No’s are necessary and inevitable. Often, the most successful people you know have also been declined the most.
2. The best communication in the world will never save a relationship with someone who’s committed to misunderstanding you.
I always thought that the more I improved my communication skills, the fewer relationship troubles I’d have. Well, not exactly. I found that miscommunication is a common part of any relationship. It can always be worked out with the right people, but it happens far too often with the wrong ones.
If you are breaking your back just to repeat the same message to a friend or partner, ditch them promptly! Because the hard truth is that if you want to understand someone, you put in the work to make it happen. It’s a choice. Don’t let anyone convince you it’s not.
3. The ability to be alone with yourself is crucial.
We should be our own favorite people. Most twenty-somethings don’t know this, but it’s something I encourage you all to learn as soon as possible. Take the time to ruminate in your thoughts without distraction. Journal, even if you’re not a writer. Watch, read, or listen to the things that you genuinely want to without considering what will make for an interesting conversation topic.
Figure out what brings you the most joy. If it isn’t your job, make time for it after work. Spend time by yourself and get comfortable with it because now is the best time to do so — especially if you plan on a future with kids. You might regret it if you don’t.
4. “Cringe” isn’t real.
As long as you’re not hurting anyone, there’s no valid reason for anyone to look down on you as you attempt to make something of yourself. These days, people have so much to say about every action a person takes. You’re never going to please everyone, especially not in this society rife with self-important armchair experts.
I think a lot of us resent the creators and professionals who succeed because they are not afraid to do what they want or ask for what they need. They’re unafraid to lead with joy or look foolish. They apply to jobs for which they’re underqualified. They publish their flawed work. We waste time being jealous of their audacity instead of permitting ourselves to go for it.
Imperfect action is better than none. Besides, you can’t strengthen your craft without practice. Everyone has to start as a novice. Any critic who forgets this important fact will only offer bad-faith arguments. This does not mean you should shut out any criticism — on the contrary, you should try to be open to it — but you must learn to filter out certain insignificant voices. Keep doing what’s true to you!
5. Stop dating potential. It’s fiction.
You do not owe anyone a plethora of “chances” to be the someone you wish they were. It doesn’t matter if they had a bad childhood or if they are grieving or if they’re mentally ill because none of those things will cause them to not want to fight for someone they truly love. Trust their actions as proof. Words are meaningless if not backed up. You can sympathize with someone without allowing them to continue failing you.
6. Heartbreak is always temporary.
After any breakup, you will hurt intensely for a while. But each day, with distance, it will hurt less and less. Staying in a relationship that is wrong for you just because you’re afraid of heartbreak will only prolong the grief.
I’ve been through several excruciating breakups in my life, and at one time or another, I thought that each of them would certainly end me. But when I think back to them now, there’s no pain attached whatsoever. A matter of a few short years can make a world of difference. Set yourself free and heal by living your life. You can get through it by picturing your future self on the other end of this. Soon enough, you’ll meet them there.
7. You will lose friends. It doesn’t mean anyone is the villain.
Early in my twenties, as I began to develop into a more authentic version of who I am, I suffered the heartache of a few friend breakups.
When this happens, it can hurt like hell. The guilt and regret can eat you alive, but they shouldn’t. It’s important to remember that this is a natural part of life for most people. Often, it’s difficult to maintain relationships whether ill will is intended or not. But the phone works both ways. If you’re the only one initiating contact, it shows that their priorities don’t involve you anymore.
This doesn’t have to be personal. Sometimes it is, but it’s not worth getting hung up on — unless the falling out is due to something you need to apologize for. Whatever may be, you should never be afraid to grow, even if it’s apart. Grieve them. Appreciate the place they had in your life and move on.
8. Do not enter a relationship to heal from another — or anything for that matter.
Once, after an abusive relationship, I thought I could stitch my trauma wounds by finding a savior — a boyfriend who really loved me. So, I went back to the dating apps. I wound up in situationship after situationship. More trauma resulted from my aimless attempts to heal myself through male validation. I developed abandonment issues and a severe anxious attachment.
Love from another will not fix your emotional issues. Only love from yourself can. You need time to process the previous events. You might need therapy or counseling. There should be no shame in taking time to recover while single.
9. Utilize your energy while you have it
Nothing in this life is guaranteed, especially in a country with a lackluster healthcare system. At age twenty-five, my body began to slow down due to compounded trauma. I’m now chronically ill and incapable of many things I once never thought twice about.
I’ve seen college kids achieve the impossible: classes, project deadlines, interviews, school events, and all-night study sessions on the weekdays and then all-out ragers on the weekends. If that’s not your scene, travel anywhere in your free time — thirty minutes down the road or three states away. Go out with your friends or co-workers after work/school. Try interesting new cuisine. Eat any food you want without fear and cherish it.
Get into a habit of working out when you’re able to, just to keep that vitality up. Do not take this energy for granted. It’s temporary. There are laws you must follow, but there are no rules. You are the authority of your life, and that means the sky is the limit.
10. Your voice does matter, so use it wisely!
If you assume you can’t make a difference, you’re right! Do not waste your voice; whether you are more comfortable communicating through writing, drawing, painting, or singing. A lot of scary things are going on right now in the world. You must believe that you can be the change you wish to see. It will likely be on a small scale, but you never know how big your impact could inflate.
It is also better to “overreact” and apologize later than to keep your mouth shut about something your gut is telling you. The consequences of not speaking out can be severe, and most times, they don’t occur to you until it's too late. The stakes are often higher than we comprehend.
Do not quiet yourself to satisfy those in power who would benefit from your silence. There are risks when it comes to taking a stand. Ponder them deeply, and then go forward!
Hala Alyan’s poem You’re Not A Girl In A Movie was written for her collection The Twenty-Ninth Year, one I read and re-read over again all of 2024. In it, Alyan writes, “There’s always a dark darker than the dark you know.”
My 29th year was not my darkest. But Alyan’s poem served as a reminder that despite the darkness I’ve already confronted in my twenties, there could come a day when a similar shade creeps up to my doorway. At least I know now that I can face it with dignity.
I‘m aware that advice and wisdom only go so far when you share with twenty-somethings. That’s ok. You’re going to mess up and face challenges of your own doing. You’re going to get hurt. But you’re going to be alright as long as you have a strong circle of people you can go to for support. Live for each day and its current moment— not your potential future or unmovable past. You’re going to survive, and you might as well have a blast doing so.
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